I don't even know what my last post says.
we broke up. I'm not sad yet. not quite. i welcome the oncoming tears though.
and the changes.
God, here's my first step.i hate to ask you but I'm going to need a whole lot more help to get where i need to be. everything else can be secondary. we need to get back on track.
i pray for him. that a transition will happen. maybe we'll even be together again later, on different terms.
mom needs you whole lot right now. please support her. help me where i;m broken please. i want give up and give my world to you. break my confidence in m ability to do what i want. help me to be dependent on you so that i wont be the way i am now. i want to car f you want me to care.
i pray that steps will be different and better this time. help is maintain our promise. make me stronger lord.
help me not to fall at this delicate moment.
i'm sorry.
IJNIP,
Amen
some people. a lot of people by my estimation, like to get messed up every once in a while. i'm sure someone at TT is doing it right now.
now i have my differences in method, but i like to get shitfaced as much as the next person. but you see, dear imaginary reader, alcohol is not my vehicle of choice. much too public. and too social for my taste.
no, dear friends, when i want feel like i'm as far away from the person i should be as possible(granted others may have different reasons). i hit up the great state of Maine. and it is truly a state.
it has its loyal citizens and leaders, institutions, customs and norms. its own local jargon. i am a visitor but i freqent the area so much that i could be an honorary citizen. lucky me.
cant go waring this name badge around though. its gotta be hidden from sight. because you see my home state is at war with maine and if enought people knew, well i think i might be feeling like that hilary teabag.
time is passing and i dont always know where its going.
i will be lonely and its true. having him here was good for me. and when he goes back i will be as i was. i know i'm down now because i had a expecation that was disappointd. i see myself reaching out. one sided. this may be inacurate it will be an over rection but it is how i feel now. he will be gone things will fade and this period in my like, this chapter in my book will end?
its all chemical. i could be balanced. could i eliminate sadness with chems? i suuuuuure wish i could.
go ....
lets just be honest.
who can say right now if this post will be as objective as i'd like... either way i think i'm in abetter place to comment or express myself or whatever my purpose is in coming here.
when he came to my work we agreed that we arent going to be bf /gf anymore when he returns home. (well it as when we said it) anyway it seemed like the most relistic idea since he'll be over there for a few years at least.
talked, shared, cried in front of him. and yes i am sad that i won't really be able to do that anymore. i don't want to complain that i am lonely since i do purposefully isolate myself. but being around him was a great help. lots of good things came of it. things i will miss. i really liked when we got to the pointwhere we could talk or be around each other with little or no walls up. we could be silly and not b afraid. he's better at that than i am but we both had our walls. it was cool to be relaxed around someone.
i've dicovered that the reasons behind many of my behaviors were not that i believed i should be doing them ir that i really believed in certain things. i just knew that its was what i should believe and the bahviours were what i should do. i have never had a change to really stop and ask myself if these things were what i really what i believe.
so i'm going to see what i believe independent of anyonw elses input....
God - i do actually believe in God because i believe i have seen him work in my life. but i am unsure exctly how to explain those things. God, is just the only theory i have to go on.
moral living- yes i do actually want to continue living morally. i can break the rules every now and then for some variety but i don't want to change my speech or my beliefs on how i plan to conduct my self. i am going to continue to be sensible but with the option of going a little crazy every now and then without the guilt of fearing that i have stepped over the line.
school-i do want to be in school but i need to develop my own motivations and throw out the "because i have to" it needs to be a "be because i know i can and i really want to" but again, it can;t be forced or it wont hold up.
ine- i am going to be myself and be cautious and safe as much as possible. but yes i do plan to continue an ine rel. with A. how do i really feel about the topic? i think people should be careful and they shouldnt go into it with just anyone and it needs to be one on one. but if you are being careful i think it won't be too damaging to go for it. but do i thikn that is inherently wrong to do that. according to the GB yes. but is that going to stop me? no. and its not that i have no respect for the concepts in the GB but that one i simply disagree with in practice.
what plagues me as an analytical person in the church is...but what if you're wrong? any yes i do truly believe that there are some philosphies that are just wrong. and i just don't want the church to be one of them and me not know it.
i'm not throwing out all ive been taught. that information is very valuable to me. but there are so many things that i've just had accept as true when i wasnt really convinced of them.
jesus-of course he exsisted and die with the intent to save the word and be a sacrifice. now heres what i was asked to believe:
he was devine - how do i know that? how do i know that the reported miracles are accurate? i can fully believe that all of the extraordianry things are possible. but that extra step to say yes and this is how i know that they were actually true is not there.
how do i know its all not just a story? if its true then i want to believe it. but how do i know its true?
i guess i'll go ask.
so i'm not as high as i was yesterday. today i woke up and the sky (and consequently the light in my room) was all grey and dull. there seems to be a direct correlation.
this morning i was like a minute later getting out of moco to get picked up. so i hustle to the car and go to church. in church i check the time and i see a missed call on my screen. i look at it and could swear i saw a's name. i even opened the phone and checked the time. it would have been early morning for him. i sat and worried a little about why he would call me so early. was he just still up? did he have something to say? was he that upset about what i'd said last night. then i looked at the phone again and realized i was seeing things. it wasnt a infact on the front screen was an unsaved number....it was the people who picked me up.
met the g's son spud. hope he'll be worthy of a nickname. my mind did the usual crap. but luckily i dindt have any imaginary encouragement. we knew some places in common though. that was pretty cool. i might have seen him before at tbd.
holding out on calling...just in case. curious if anything went down. truth? i kind of hope so. something to talk about. not ine but things short of that might make for interesting chatta.
oh! so i had this dream that was packed with all these strong symbols that totally make sense for my life right now. twas muy interesante.
oh and its gungy's b-day sent him this hilarious card with a terrible rap. it is therefore much much funnier.
anyway...food.
so i feel good. (da na na na na na)
like relaly really good. so good i can't spell (still good?). and this began before the day had a chance to influence my mood.
just the warm sunlight and this very faint smell of spring in the air. maybe thats it. all i know is that ive been having really good mornings lately. everything is bright and wonderful. even if i was late and didnt do all i'd hoped to. its still such a good day, just because. i don't get it but its nice. the irony is it seems to be independent of how much sleep i get. i've had about an hour and a half oof sleep today and i was high on life.
plus, i aced my math test, and my 227 quiz, and the quiz i missed in physics doesnt count so yay! that math test made my life. i was worried (and do still want to change this) that my time on the phone was going to bring me down. i was almost preparing to be depressed about it. maybe thats what triggers it. (the depression) when i see myself doing stupid things.
i can get buy sometimes but i really need to quit with the over indulgence of things i like. especially new things.
ok so now i'm feeling the triedness but i'm still not down in mood. the "i love life and i dont care what you people say because the world is mine today" me showed her face. the uninhibited more charismatic me was out and about. where the hell have you been for the past....five years?
i want to say i wish i could be like this every day but i did notice a heaviness that lied beneath this mood. like it wouldnt be easiy to maintain regularly.
i'm reminded of disneyland constuctions, the surface is amazing and beautiful, but the inner workings are just these big hard metal pipes and very bulky and not very glamorous. its not easy to recreate these things anywhere.
anyway i'm supposed to go out with denz tonight so i'd better sleep now so i can remain conscious.
so missy maines. its confirmed now. once i saw in my browserthe name of this particular site after sge had been using my comp. but i'd briefly been on that page too so i couldn't be sure. but now i know. after i'd gone to bedi saw my light on and i knew she was on my comp but i didnt think of this. now i look at my history and see places i know i havent been...ooooh we're in the same boat.
i havent been all that tempted lately though. i guess the real world stuff has been more than enough. maine is more accessable though. and doesnt come with the heaviness of a whole other person there to consider. its made to order.
so i can't do a test until next week but i'm around 80% sure. i'm in "interesting condition." when i saw a third confirmed symptom, essentially proving to me that this was the case, i laughed. i also laughed when i told A. he had laughed too at some point and we mentioned how inappropriate was the we were laughing. which was also funny to me.
so like i said there is need for verification but...i'm conviced. how do i feel about it? not all that interested. i'm not going to stay in this condition by any means. call me heartless but thats not even an option. as soon as i can get a test (which may depend on the money from ghost), I will call Escape Route and find out the details. one way or another i'm gonna get back to normal.
now that i'm thinking about it, it will be around the next time i see gast that i will be able to test. i dont think i'll tell her until i know i can do this. i do have a provider now on the state salude stuff. .......
this is written many hours later. i've realized this is nt because of last week. but becuase of the bus (or maybe even before then) in any case over 6 weeks by the slimmest estimate.
i'm gonna watch the video again to see what the limitations are.
When I look in the mirror, I am always surprised at what I see. Sometimes I’m in a rush so I cannot react to the surprise; I scarcely have time to think about it. but when those times come when I find myself in front of a mirror, alone, which no self adjusting task in mind, I am almost startled by the reflection. The reality of what I look like is so different from the person I perceive my personality paining. The things I think and say and do are the actions of a prettier person, a less frightening person. I feel so easy going and relaxed, I feel like I am a fun person. But when I look in the mirror I see none of that. My face is serious, even frightening or angry looking, my eyes can have this intense stare, my features are large. I am not what I consider pretty.
I do love myself. But I only say “myself” because it will make more sense to a reader. But what I see in the mirror is not what I truly consider to be “myself.” I have none of the negative emotions commonly associated with that statement. I don’t hate what I see in the mirror at all. At times I do find it beautiful, but that impression is fleeting and seems to come arbitrarily. I simply see it as inaccurate. And therefore unsatisfactory to my perfectionist sensibilities. It is however my face and I love it in its own way.
My hair as it is right now (out) also represents a personality that is not my own. I think it is usually associated with a stronger person. One who is more opinionated and perhaps even confrontational. Assuming my assessments of other people’s expressions are accurate, I have seen several people look at me and then (not necessarily removing their eyes) give me a second look. They seem to be evaluating me. I suppose with this hair I am someone who stands out. I think many of them are seeing if I am someone they should be aware of.
I remarked a moment ago that my hair is like a rebellious child. One whom I live dearly but cannot manage so I send it off to boarding school. The Academy of Two Strand Twists. I takes some convincing for my hair to obey but I know that it is all contributing to its growth and its (as well as my own) well being.
